I've been going to radiation for over a week now. WHERE ARE MY SUPER POWERS?

I've been takin it slow, I wasn't around. But the [laptop] crash couldn't lay the hustler down

What's up bitches? I'm back. My laptop was failing, and for a while I was using a netbook that was killing my soul. But after some reconfiguring, I'm happy to report that I'm back, and fiercer than ever. Or something.

Lots of news to share about radiation and new chemo and all sorts of stuff. I'll be writing it all up soon, pussycats.

I am having phantom nipple pain right now. Weird.

I've gotten a few requests regarding the pathology report, and I've kind of been waffling for a while about whether I want to share the information. There were no surprises in the report. It was neither particularly good or bad. In fact, it was pretty much exactly as I expected. I had a big tumor that chemo had shrunk some, but not all. I had some positive lymph nodes, but not all of my nodes were positive. My margins were clear (they were able to excise the entire tumor).

I'm reluctant to share the details because the path report doesn't provide any meaningful information. It doesn't change my course of treatment. It doesn't say whether my cancer is gone or not. It doesn't even give me valid information about my chances for survival. I know that we all need comfort right now, but there is no comfort to be found in the path report. Even at its best, this information provides a false sense of comfort. At its worst, it provides a potentially false sense of despair.

The fact of the matter is that this is a difficult process that's fraught with unknowns. I think it's important not to look for answers where there are none to be found. Sometimes, there is just no certainty to be had. That's just the way it is. And as I struggle to accept this, I need others around me to be cognizant of it as well.

In lighter news, I met my radiation oncologist today. I'm pretty sure today's theme was 70's ski lodge. I'm hoping for 80's hair metal next time. Also, when I asked where I marked down which super powers I'd like to receive, they let me know that usually super powers develop randomly, but they generally emerge soon after the first treatment. So, as of next week, I may be able to fly (which could require ab strength I don't currently have).

OMG you guise. My new med onc is a toucher. He's from, idk, India, Pakistan? (I know that confusing Indians and Pakistanis is pretty offensive, but I can't tell the cultural nuances or accents apart. Also, after all of this, he's probably Egyptian.) So, it's probably a cultural thing, but he must have held my hand for at least three minutes straight. It was so awkward.

But he seems really competent and was plenty nice. He also remembered me from the time I called him about having a fever (or something).

Why do I have a new medical oncologist? Because my normal one didn't take my needs into consideration while doing her family planning and went and had a baby. The bitch. This is almost as bad as the time my surgical oncologist went to visit her family for Xmas. I had to wait a whole extra week to have surgery. So selfish!

I love the women at the Breast Center so much. Whenever I have an appointment, different nurses and administrators stop in the exam room, and say, "Hey! I saw you were coming in, and I wanted to stop by and see you!" and chat with me. The always recognize me when I walk in, and I never get "called back" to see the doctor. They just wave at me and say, "There you are, girl! Come on back!"

Today, I needed to get a copy of my mammogram, so I called and started off with "My name is HM, and I'm a patient there, and the receptionist was immediately all "Heeey! How are you?" It makes me feel good inside my heart.

In other news, my hair is still shedding even though it's been like 3 months since I had chemo. WTF?

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be spending it meeting with my new medical oncologist (my regular one is out on maternity leave). FML.